Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Don’t touch that.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.