Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*