Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.