WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
same energy
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*