And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what