Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.