Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My dad is at it again
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My plans: 2020: