When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
How to draw a duck
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.