5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
When someone trying to leave me
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.