All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.