Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.