If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
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My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
*3.5 thank you very much.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.