First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.