I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
normalize having existential bread
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.