kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
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Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back