her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
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Florida be like…
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.