The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???