I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me too door. Me too.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet