Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
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U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!