two people or more is called a problem
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Venn
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown