[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
tourist season
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.