I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup