Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
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What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like