[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
#milo
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
This is a bad sign
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them