Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.