Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in