My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
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[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
an octopus is just a wet spider
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil