[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
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My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys