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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.