My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.