me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall