its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
You Might Also Like
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
THIS HEADLINE
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Mornin
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.