I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood