Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.