I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.