If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.