You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.