BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”