Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
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Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.