“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
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We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I think they could have phrased this better