People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Mission: Impossible
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me irl
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams