My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
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[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻