Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
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me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.