*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.