If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.