Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.