Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.