Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
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“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.