Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
You Might Also Like
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Sounds like a bargain
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.