When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.